What Matters To Me
hello people!
it’s christmas today and hope you guys have a merry one. this christmas is something different, not quite what i expected. so much more was supposed to happen but there has been changes. promises unkept.
furball and i had a lot of fun though.
here’s a preview…
the original babi and the fatass babi.
we were sooo productive. haha.
when will i ever find it?
i never really cared until i met you.
the stars were twinkling and the breeze was alive.
i was numb with emotion. yet i smiled. felt like we were watched from above.
staring into the dark open sky, trying hard to think of nothing.
for a moment, everything was perfect.
i pray you’ll be my light and watch where i go.
in times where i don’t know, let this be my prayer,
lead me to a place, to a place where i’ll be safe.
i can live forever in this.
it’s almost 4 am and my eyes are wide open. listening to buble’s tunes. lovely and melodious as ever. makes the world go round. being back at home is relaxing and feels very laid back. the town seems smaller now. there isn’t much to do. isn’t anywhere else to go. yet it is here where i grew up. the memories remain. each place i visit, the film rolls like a playback. like pictures in an album, they make me smile. such innocence.
many times my mind travel back to that house. the one in the corner, sometimes windy, sometimes hot in the noon. the living hall where i used to nap, the battlefield where we fought. that old tv screen still sitting there, reminding us that some things never change. it is us who changed. i hear from a distance the old chinese tunes on a sunny day. the neighbour’s dog barking and the carefree me. no one said a word about tomorrow. it is the present. now, that matters. i used to enjoy going outside picking up little fallen mangoes and pile them up in a sack. such simple joy. that tall shady tree. that childhood memory. the tree has been fallen now. yet, i still remember. nights where rain and wind never fail to visit. every mid autumn festival. glowing candles all lit up in between the grills of the gate. uncle would be so pissed. never did we care. of course, we were kids. drawing on sand. writing and scribbling. they made me happy. and they still do now.
i’ve always wanted to grow up. now i’m not so sure. being a kid isn’t such a bad idea after all. but then again, who are we to decide?
some people say that life’s a journey, not a destination.
i think life’s a decision.
loving and living is a decision we make.
everything else fall somewhere in between.
i wanna be home. with myself.
love. merry christmas and may we all cheer to a blessed year ahead.
everyday we rise and do the same. everyday we rise and set. like the sun, it rises and sets. day after day and tomorrow still. is it different each time? strive for progress is human nature to simply assume. yet can there be progression without regression in other ways? are we even the same person after each conversation? then it depends on how much is extracted from that tiny bit. do you believe that a thought can last a lifetime? i choose to live in memories and cherish the past, rejoice in the present. sometimes, there has to be a limit to everything. we can be free in our thoughts and mind but reality is, there is always an end to something. sometimes, you just have to give up and stop dreaming. be real and practical, open your eyes and your heart. search for what you lack but look, and grasp what you have with you. acceptance, contentment, fulfillment. the key is believing. conviction within yourself. if you believe you can, you already won half the battle. thoughts jumble like a puzzle and they do not seem to fit. but they’re all there. and they belong the same.
i look up and ahead. a row of lights remain there. with every blink, there seem to be a ray. all glowing like the road ahead. long and sure. so many stops. and detours. the things that i will do and the people that i shall meet. the person that i will become and the life that i will have. and i determine it all. can i really do it well and not screw anything up? i’ve always lived by doing the right thing. eating the right food. thinking right. feeling right. and being right. i’m afraid at times that things won’t be right at all times and i’m so used to have nothing go wrong that when it really does, i will feel so lost. it has yet to occur but the woman i love most tells me people make mistakes. we all will. sometimes, we all are mistakes. haha. but we get up and learn. we bounce back. and i shall live by that. after all what are detours for. i shall not be afraid to try. holding back too much can be suffocating. having said so, at this point i have not anything to decide upon. and if there ever is, i will always be that brave lil’ girl. some of us are afraid of growing up. i think i’m learning.
love you all.
life is a mystery.
that morning started with a drizzle. each time the wind blew, it grew stronger and colder. each step taken was heavy with thoughts and contemplations. the sky was dull and grey, cold and numb. it all seemed surreal. a dream, no it isn’t. time to go. the door opened and there a figure stood with an umbrella. sure, the rain is still pouring. the hall is jammed with belongings. stuff and more stuff. not much was spoken of. a few exchanges of words and the stuff were taken care of. the stuff was heavy and the heart as well. but heart knows, this is for the better. and the step was already taken.
like the drizzles, i finally settled.
an impulse. i hear the call and i miss it. i miss all of it. i am positive this time. everything will be great and it shall! for it is only if you think it is. listen to your heart and leap. soar high and breath deep. life is worth it. it’s all worth it. the sunset on a lovely evening, the raindrops on a sunday morning, the specks of dust, the signs of life. they all bring meaning. only if you see it. only if you choose to. live like there’s no tomorrow. it’s all a decision. be happy.
san and i and the beautiful greenery!
more of us haha!
awesome bunch of people.
booyah! love this one.
family-father and mother, i love you.
and i wish upon the star that the strength remains.
today i realized that what’s most important in life is not how much you have but who you have. what’s joy if you have all the luxury in life but no one to share them with? sharing is caring and though we have come to an age where trust is dying a slow death, i still choose to believe in people. i want to think that the world isn’t a big bad wolf. i know it may seem naive but it’s what you get from an 18 year old. all my life, i can safely say i’ve never really had a friend i could always count on. a friend who i can rely on in days of rain and shine.
people come and people go.
this time,
i think i found them.
thank youuuuuu
i want to get it out across, so many things. yet, i don’t know where to start and what to start out with. somehow, somewhere inside i feel compelled to let it all out. i tend to keep things to myself for the saying goes, trust no one but yourself. sometimes, i find this rather ironic. sometimes contradictory. because sometimes, we tend to lie to ourselves. lies. perhaps we are all living a lie. a lie so much lied about that it becomes real. could our existence be a mere illusion? what if you wake up one day and see the truth. hear the silence. taste the real. what would become of us?
humanity is losing it. do you still believe in love. where is it?
seeing is believing. but sometimes what we see may not be the truth.
i sometimes imagine myself to be a birdie. such bliss it must be to fly freely up in the vast endless sky. up above, so blue. so calming. so eternal and yet i can only imagine it to be. i sometimes fancy if it was me.
i stare without a direction, fingers moving back and forth between letters and backspace. why this hesitation?
why this confusion?
sometimes, it doesn’t matter really.
all an illusion.
love thyself and thou shalt be loved.
i am so lonely.
an am not a fishoutofwater.
today, i am the birdie.
i don’t know why exactly. i’ve been thinking quite a bit, maybe a little too much. i don’t do it on purpose though, it just happens. have no clue, but i just can’t seem to get those questions out of my head. they may sound trivial but i think life is fundamentally made out of these. sometimes they visit and sometimes they just vanish like that. poof, gone.
blink, open, blink. all i see is darkness. i lay there alone. the air is somewhat still. my mind is not. it’s time to sleep but i close my eyes and see myself far out there. the water is crystal clear and i feel the sand tickling my toes. so dry, so natural, so untouched. if only my mind could be like that. i feel the breeze. i stare into open space that went on and on and on…it’s so blue it’s blinding me. i think of nothing. i’m hanging on though sometimes i feel like i’m falling apart.
it’s just a feeling. maybe it’s all part of growing up. questioning yourself and the things you do. is this what i really want? what is happiness? what do i really need? who do i want to become? what do i do? this year i have done more thinking than i have in the past years. it’s not a bad thing too. it’s just that, the more you weave your way out of the web, the more tangled you get yourself into.
i guess time is the answer.
and i smile because i know they care about me. i do, too.
my legs crossed at 7.30 pm. the ground is suddenly such a comfort. and the screen seems so bright. the prayer is playing in the background. how apt at this time in my life. i do believe that praying is a means of calming oneself. whether or not god really exists is a different story altogether. but what i do believe is, there is a supreme power. and in each of us, there is a spiritual room to satisfy and praying helps. a sense of guide and direction. my mind is numbed by the decibels her voice is reaching. celine dion is such a godsend.
‘needs to find a place. guide us with your grace’
these past few weeks have been crazy. maybe i’m at that juncture again. you know where you feel like your soul is not completely at peace. like i need to reset my priorities and focus on what i really want. it’s so hard to explain but i know i’ll feel better after putting it in words. have been thinking about home, mocks, my room, things to complete and to top it off unis and stuff. i know it’s still early but i am that sort who plans ahead. sometimes too much way ahead. and some people say it’s bad when you plan all the time that you forget to live the present.
i think it correct to say that the past week drained me. my energy and emotions. fret not, i’m so much better now. thanks to charity, friends, mum and dad, a visit to the buddhist temple and a few classes of literature. i asked the monk, how do we end suffering or suffer less? do we not care about it? since people do agree that when you put your heart and soul into something, you feel the consequence so badly if it does not meet your expectations. instead if you just be and let things happen, making sure not to feel happy or sad about it, things will just BE. but he shook his head and said no. we have to care about it. think about it. don’t dwell on the past because suffering happens to everyone. believe in yourself and practise good karma.
living is not about doing everything right, so we make some mistakes, have our share of pain and tears. sometimes we need to learn to relax and simply enjoy the flow of feelings.
for a change, follow your heart and not the wisdom of your mind.
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