What Matters To Me
when will i ever find it?
i never really cared until i met you.
the stars were twinkling and the breeze was alive.
i was numb with emotion. yet i smiled. felt like we were watched from above.
staring into the dark open sky, trying hard to think of nothing.
for a moment, everything was perfect.
i pray you’ll be my light and watch where i go.
in times where i don’t know, let this be my prayer,
lead me to a place, to a place where i’ll be safe.
i can live forever in this.
an impulse. i hear the call and i miss it. i miss all of it. i am positive this time. everything will be great and it shall! for it is only if you think it is. listen to your heart and leap. soar high and breath deep. life is worth it. it’s all worth it. the sunset on a lovely evening, the raindrops on a sunday morning, the specks of dust, the signs of life. they all bring meaning. only if you see it. only if you choose to. live like there’s no tomorrow. it’s all a decision. be happy.
san and i and the beautiful greenery!
more of us haha!
awesome bunch of people.
booyah! love this one.
family-father and mother, i love you.
i want to get it out across, so many things. yet, i don’t know where to start and what to start out with. somehow, somewhere inside i feel compelled to let it all out. i tend to keep things to myself for the saying goes, trust no one but yourself. sometimes, i find this rather ironic. sometimes contradictory. because sometimes, we tend to lie to ourselves. lies. perhaps we are all living a lie. a lie so much lied about that it becomes real. could our existence be a mere illusion? what if you wake up one day and see the truth. hear the silence. taste the real. what would become of us?
humanity is losing it. do you still believe in love. where is it?
seeing is believing. but sometimes what we see may not be the truth.
i sometimes imagine myself to be a birdie. such bliss it must be to fly freely up in the vast endless sky. up above, so blue. so calming. so eternal and yet i can only imagine it to be. i sometimes fancy if it was me.
i stare without a direction, fingers moving back and forth between letters and backspace. why this hesitation?
why this confusion?
sometimes, it doesn’t matter really.
all an illusion.
love thyself and thou shalt be loved.
i am so lonely.
an am not a fishoutofwater.
today, i am the birdie.
i don’t really have a clue as to why i tend to replay words she said or even at that matter words many people said over and over again until it annoys me so that i have to put this down in writing. perhaps by putting them down into a solid form-words, they can somehow be left alone or at least i hope.i can always revisit them at a later time if i wish to.
she said very casually with much conviction, “children, do you realise what we want to do is always not what we are doing?” i am bugged by what she had to say the other day because it’s so uncommonly true. and that we always chase after happiness. why can’t we just be? just exist? instead of looking forward to something we may never achieve or even if we do, just a temporary state? it might sound depressing but isn’t that how it all is? somehow i blurted that it’s human nature to seek, look forward to progression, to which she replied “are you sure, is it so? or is it how you have been conditioned to be?” and we all stared blankly into her face. she had a smile on her face. and she does this every other day. we all love it. she knows we do.
i shall not digress. it is true. despite centuries, life is still the same. people still go on and on about happiness, the future and the ‘overly-rated’-life. oh and death. to which i think it’s true that we all born to mourn for ourselves.
“why then can the caged bird still sing?”. i saw the other day at the bookstore a book titled “i know why the caged bird sings”. i was tempted to buy it at the same time surprised that it should be presented to me at such an opportune moment. just as we were done studying that particular poem.
i walked out of the place without that book. maybe at the back of my head, i want to answer it myself. “why then can the caged bird still sing”. hold that thought and i will come back.
i want to wrap myself into an endless curve, seal myself into a bubble and just sink in there for a moment. looking at this, i can already be there. which is why i love photos.
-when you want to be, just be. when you want it, just get it. chase what you want to chase and be content with yourself. and a wise friend once said,”what’s the difference, at the end of the day, we all put on our trouser one leg at a time”. unless of course you’re a weirdo. -
*laughs*
have you ever noticed how they all looked lifeless and dull, never flashing a smile when it’s raining? i wonder why. somewhere along my travelling, as i splashed my way down the road, i smiled. i flew as lightly as a bird. perhaps i realized that even if we were the birds in the cage, we can still sing. let it rain, let it be. the breeze swept softly across my face and i was blissful. epiphanies emerge at the weirdest moments. i was happy in my own little bubble, maybe just a dream. as i was nearing, haphazard thoughts flashed by in my mind and i couldn’t seem to address them accordingly. i think it’s the rain. but this time, i smiled.
Throughout the years we shared, I couldn’t ask for more. She was a good friend and still is. We are besties despite all the differences between us. Like she said, could we be anymore different? I guess we could. We live different lives with different goals in life. She is an Atheist . I’m a Buddhist. She likes short hair. I prefer long. She hates Biology while I like it. In school, we participate in very different activities. Despite not sharing all the time in school and being so different in so many ways we bonded very well. I guess we know, that in a heartbeat, we are one. Maybe this might be the end, maybe it won’t. We’ll never know. Only time will tell. As for her, I’m excited for her fresh start with a new circle of friends, away from all the familiarity and her family. Free to choose what she wants. Free to be who she wants to be. As always, we’d lead very different paths, and the future won’t be any different. But, one thing’s for sure she’ll always be my bestie. I’m also always just a phone call away. She has influenced me in many ways into who I am today. I am a lucky girl to have her as my best friend. I am contented and I hope she is. No matter what happens, I hope I’ll always be that lil’ voice ringing in her head.
it has always dawned on me that, to be a woman in the past, ie: 17th, 18th century is a complete misfortune. striped off all independence, well to some extent-a woman has no right to a proper education, is always deemed the weaker sex and what’s worse to be dependent on a man for a living. metaphorically living behind their shadows. but today, i realized that it isn’t all that bad after all, that life as a woman in the 18th/19th century isn’t doomed to fail.
in literature class, we discussed issues which came to mind when we talked about Charlotte Perkins Stetson Gilman, the rightful author of ‘The Yellow Wall Paper’, and one of our many ‘off-topics discussion’ concerned the feminist movement and what womens’ life were like back then. ‘when in doubt, think twice’. what you may think to be true may not necessarily be so after some contemplation. true, women were the weaker sex at that age of time. but the question remains. what happens after we achieve equality, then do we maintain or do we rise above the males and be superior? even then, women back in those days were very well respected and protected despite their position in society. and men were very different too-their roles and what is expected of them. omg am i even making any sense? okay, what i’m tyring to point out is that despite having the right to be treated equally as equal to that of the opposite sex, there are certainly drawbacks just as in everything else. don’t you agree that women these days are always objectified? well then again, it also depends if you allow yourself to be so. the choice is yours.
Go out there and show the world what you’re made of. Chase your dreams and listen to silence, you’ll hear truth and realize what a difference you’ve made
-Fiona Gan-
In a little more than five days, I will embark on my journey home and yet it is during this ‘timely’ moment that I was told to produce an article summarizing my American experience. Overwhelmed by the wide scope of topic, I stared blankly at the screen, my eyes fixated at the blinking cursor as each second passes. Five minutes passed and I was still staring idly, my word count slowly crawling, stopping and then continued creeping. In between the spacing and backspacing, I was in actuality, pausing to think. How am I going to tell this story? Certainly, it’s not a glitzy, glamorous life many of my countrymen had expected. Neither is it a life of the rich and famous traversing every possible tourist destinations America had to offer. What’s so special about my experience then? For a moment my heart sank, I thought long and hard before coming to terms with myself. I admit that it is an impossible mission to try and paint my American story on this small canvas. However, having said so, words, I believe have the potential to become the strongest medium of conveying a tale for they grant readers the liberty to interpret a story based on their very own imagination. Yes, your imagination! Therefore, I ask of you to engage in my experience with all the visual power you have and a smile because then and only then can my great little story come alive.
Looking back six months ago, somehow I see an almost different individual, quite possibly a separate entity who evolved into who I am today. I recall as I checked my inbox last December, my heart skipped a beat when I found out that I was going to be hosted in New Hampshire. For a second, the name sounded familiar but when I took a step back and think, I couldn’t quite associate any image in my mind to represent New Hampshire. And quite obviously, I turned to Google, the 21st century man’s best friend. Still, I couldn’t find much about this mysterious place except that winter is going to be extremely snowy and cold, the figure -16C stuck to my mind abruptly. It all seemed so mediocre but I later felt that it represented mediocrity at its best, that all the grand things in life may not necessarily be the best, the prettiest or even the most expensive. It is often these qualities we yearn for which very often blind us from seeing the beauty in the plainest things we encounter.
To me arriving in America was an ejaculation of eternal happiness. Everything seemed so fresh, so exciting and even the most haphazard little things thrown into life amuse me. I thought to myself, this is definitely a brand new start, my metamorphosis. True enough, my following days in New Hampshire proved that I was indeed right. Entering New Hampshire from 36,000 feet above sea level, I was greeted by snow covered mountains and wide open spaces that stretched miles and miles which all seemed so alien from a small town girl’s perspective. It was fleetingly blissful and for a second I thought about the brevity of life, perhaps triggered by my first time away from home, 16,000 km from all familiarities. From then onwards, I knew life in New Hampshire is going to be a vast difference from my life back home. But what I did not anticipate was that this is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity; however cliché they seem to sound, they are purely my genuine words unfiltered and uncensored without any intent to exaggerate my humble life here.
I enter Mascenic High with some preconceived notions of an American high school which I later found out in many circumstances may not be true. Even then, I was trying to adapt to the changes of the educational system and mingling with people that make up the student body. Albeit a small place with only 450 students, being part of class of 09 made me feel like we’re a big family, each of us possessing such vitality that we learn to extract from one another. Going to school daily, I enjoy the classes thoroughly and especially appreciate Psychology and Photography; both of which are not offered in a typical Malaysian high school. I thrive in an open and friendly relationship my teachers and I share. I began to feel that there is so much more to life than just academics and I felt just a slight pang of sadness and regret how I never rejoice in the current; to live in the moment. Now, it is what’s real, what’s present that counts. Gradually, I fell deep in love with everything, my friends, teachers, the learning experience and being in America at the age of 18. My eighteenth birthday was a memorable one. I remember feeling the snowflakes sitting on my palm as I held it out to gaze and marvel over these little white flurries. I find myself repeating this but only because it is undeniably true. Humour, friendship and kindness; I’ve experienced them all here in this little town called New Ipswich.
I would describe all the American things I saw and came to do; the people I’ve met and places I’ve been to. But, no- I decide I would refrain from doing so because those are the imageries of America sculpted by the media and what the world has come to know of the United States. Living in the states for half a year taught me the meaning of true independence and that the world revolves much more than just around me. I have always wanted to spread my wings and fly, to grow and learn to see things from a different perspective. America made my dream possible. It has made me realize the power of love, kindness and generosity. Though our lifestyles and culture differ on many levels, there are also things that we all believe and share a common ground in. Regardless of the mountains and seas that separate us, essentially it is still the basic principle of life that we all share, the unwritten rule, the unspoken truth-that life and relationships should not be taken for granted. Putting aside all the political and religious views and practises, I came to see what a human heart is capable of, that in between all the differences we point out; at the end of the day we are very much the same. So much so, that sometimes it scares me, more often putting a smile to my face. We mourn and rejoice over the same things, we cry and laugh the same. We are after all human with feelings and it is all these intrinsic values that make us the same and isn’t this the most treasured things in life if we were to lose all our materialistic comforts and monetary gains one day? I would very much without a doubt say that my American life has shown me how life can be so beautiful and to take each day at a time, breathe, swallow and ingest all the awesomeness and purity of the untouchable.
“Six months ago, I arrived without knowing a single soul, but today I leave with footprints on my heart. Congratulations class of 09 and remember all our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them”. A wide smile ran across my face as I gave my speech utterly because of the sincerity and satisfaction it brought to me seeing my fellow classmates and staff members giving me a standing ovation. Very vividly I remember, as I spoke on stage during graduation, I felt a sense of accomplishment that I could not necessarily translate into words. It was so fleeting yet felt so eternal. How can something so beautiful like this possibly be a mishmash of opposites? Perhaps this is the beauty in things I have failed to see before I arrived.
About a year ago I wrote on my application essay that I wish ‘to inspire and be inspired by all the American lives that I shall cross path with’. Needless to say, I have been inspired and I know I will leave with pieces of me here in America because it is in this quaint little town that I found me. I’ll miss all the little things I never thought would mean anything to me. The sweet teas, the light breeze, the green lush trees, the most beautiful sunset over a wide open land and also the smiles and the tears. Tears of joy and all sorts more. I’ll miss the occasional homesickness and having to calculate the time difference and prices of everything I purchase. Funny, how funny! It is all these little things that mean the most. My childhood dream has been realized and it is coming to an end soon. Somehow, I don’t feel a sense of closure. Perhaps, like they always say this is not the end, merely the end of a beginning. I will continue on this journey because in a heartbeat I know I can relive this moment anytime, anyplace.
six months ago, i arrived in a place i have absolutely no idea of. quickly, i was thrown into the daily life of the many americans here. learning their ways and observing everything they had to offer. some days were great, some days i felt distant. some days i questioned the things we take for granted. life, friendships and all the big things in life. or perhaps in all irony, the small things in life. it wasn’t love at first sight but slowly and surely, i fell in love.
mascenic high is much different from my school back in malaysia where i spent 5 years of my life trying to get an education. mascenic high is small, it’s occupants american. certainly not the best the country could offer in the eyes of others. some days, i wonder. why here? why am i doing this? why this school? why new england? now, i know. right now, it feels quite impossible to pinpoint all the minute things that define my experience here. but i’ll try my best.
being here in mascenic for 5 short months changed me. 5 years in my old school and i didn’t feel this way. going to school everyday, i feel a sense of community. a big family. most of these kids easily spend more than 10 years together. the bond they share, the things they do together are what inspire me. and to think of it, it is perhaps my lack of doing-things-outside school that made me feel the more for the relationship these kids share.
i’ll miss all the little things that i never thought would mean anything to me. i soon realized that mascenic represented mediocrity at its best. in it’s simplicity, it shines through. and true enough, everything happens for a reason. here, i found myself. here, i discovered. i began to see that there is so much more to life than just academics. i realized sometimes the ‘big things’ in life blinded us from feeling joy for all the million little things that life itself is made of. it provided for a much different climate, one that’s a lifelong education in itself. i know a lot of us might condemn the things we have that may not seem like the best or what we want. but, the truth is sometimes the things we want may not be the best. i know this because i used to be that person. after all it’s only human nature that we desire what is unattainable. but being here has slowly shown me the values of life and i appreciate every little thing more now.
humor, love and friendship. i’ve witnessed it all here in this little place. here in this town where trees grow in abundance and where cellphones don’t work in my room. haha slight digression. and now it’s time to say goodbye to all this. to all i’ve grown accustomed to in this short time frame. to all my friends, you’ll do great, have faith and all things shall work out. you have all been an inspiration.
i remember very vividly as i wrote on the application essay about a year ago that i wish ‘to inspire and be inspired by all the american lives that i shall cross path with’.
i am sure i have been inspired and i hope i have done the same.
but like what they always say, perhaps this is not the end, merely an end to the beginning. and i shall continue this journey because in a heartbeat, i know i can relive this moment. anytime, anyplace. thank you so muchhhh.
it’s like a love story. at first you’re hesitant. but when you’ve decided, you fall deeply in love. it has been a year since i made the decision that has changed me in so many many ways. on so many levels. it’s true. he once told me life is beautiful. i was skeptical. but now that i’ve fallen in love, yes life is good. life is beautiful. sometimes, i wonder if it’s just me alone who possess such an optimistic view on life in general. perhaps, i am on a mission. i don’t know for sure. but for now, all the world is amazing to me. all the world is filled with pink rose petals. from my tiny perspective, life is overwhelming. it’s beautifully complex. sometimes so simple it’s so complex.
thoughts jumble like a puzzle in my mind. positive thoughts. great ideas. big dreams. little details. before i arrived in america, i had one expectation, one notion in my mind. that i would grow. i couldn’t quite comprehend the whole idea of it initially. but i had expected it to be rewarding. now i know. bits by bits. chunk by chunk. i slowly digest. feel, hear, see and smell. this is life.
four months into my journey here. i have discovered the joys of life lie within your inner self. yes, inner self. very abstract. very subjective. perhaps, it’s easier said than done. but for me, it has been very metamorphic. i guess no one else could relate to this better than me, myself and i.
it has proven to me that life is worth living. this is why we exist. it has shown me the immense power of love. it has guided me through mountains and rivers. shaped and refined my views and ideas. developed my thoughts. but above all, it has became a part of me. it gave me the ability to dream. the strength to succeed. the perseverance i need. it has painted a portrait of life. paved my path. power of believing.
i am alive and this is my great little story.
thank you. i love you.
Love.
Inspiration.
Ferocity.
Epiphany.
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