To Move or Not To?

really feel like deleting this blog and starting anew somewhere else, in a not so faraway land

but someplace where my identity will not be revealed. thought of writing a diary, but

it’s old – schoolness

does not protect my precious content. sigh…what should i do?

After Thus Long

some things come too late and even though they say ‘late is better than never’.

Perhaps in this case, it could be the other way round.

maybe it’s too late now. but i don’t remember ever saying thank you.

i was very cold and mean, but i had no choice.

i realize ‘it’ now…after thus long. i guess, all i can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart.

in life, we’ll never know what happens next. things change, people can change too.

the only thing you can do is cherish the moment.

The First

it always occurred to me that i had said a lot about him. in reality, i have not. yes, i did say a lot but, only within the warmth of my heart. somehow, it feels as if it’s overflowing now, so it deserves its very own space here. after all, this is my first relationship and in a little more than 3 weeks, we would have been together for a year. i feel happy as it seems like an accomplishment to reach the 365 days mark but numbers are numbers at the end of the day. and it isn’t me alone who made it work anyway.

if anything, he is the one whom i am truly and always grateful for. i still remember how i would stumble across quotes on relationships before i met him. and they all read somewhere along the lines of ‘good things are worth waiting for’ or ‘when you least expect it, love will come knockin’ on your door’. well, it didn’t really knock on my door but it’s true. it happened when i least expected it to. in the most unexpected way at the most unexpected place. love happens. of course, it didn’t just happen like magic tricks. no, far from that. but, magical it did feel.

it’s always best to go into relationships without expectations and i’m glad i did that. i only hoped to be happy which was the easiest thing that happened all the time, without the need to even think about it. for the first time, i felt happy in a different way. not from winning competitions or scoring high grades. but from a mere phone call, and a simple hello. or even a smiley that winked. to this day, i have no idea why and how it happened though. but, what remains with me is the sweetness and the warmth from all that lovely feeling. almost as if all the birds in the world are chirping for me, the sun is shining brightly without burning, the waves are rolling with happiness and i am in the embrace of love.

i don’t need anyone to feel the way i felt. in fact, i am merely expressing a fraction of that feeling to be savoured in times to come. really, it was one of those days you’ll never forget.

i think the first step in loving is believing. even though i knew nothing, i had faith and i wanted to believe. if he loves you back, it’s all worth it. it was a leap, one very well worth the wait. i look down the road, nothing is certain, i don’t want to ask for much either.

after all…

love…well, love is just love.

i am afraid to do so. as i’ve written a year ago, i will say the same thing this time. everything is still the same, except that i love you more and more with each sunrise!

Only 21

for some time, i’ve abandoned this place of mine. almost as if i’m unaware of it’s existence, which really is reflective of how seldom i relflect these days. i am reflective by nature, very much a personal tendency. i used to do this way more often in the past but i guess being in a relationship, the focus is shifted away from myself. there are other things to consider and think about besides myself. and it’s not such a bad thing after all. but after some time, i sense this need, this certain emptiness lurking around the corner, waiting to be filled again. a certain patch of dryness, aching to be watered with feelings and thoughts. it seems to me, i cannot be without thoughts, that’d make me an empty slate. and which means it makes me less of a human.

today is the day i am free of everything. a day with no to-dos on my list and a day where i can sit and drift off at my own pace. i need this. oh, how i’ve missed my time – being alone and having the luxury to clear my mind and travel off to wherever i want. this time, i am on board, feeling the strong breeze against my skin, so strong it hurts a little. but at the very same time, it awakens my senses. it awakens my inner self and my one, true desire – to be happy. the sea is gentle and never repressing. it swallows everything i vomit out. it engulfs my fears and the recurring waves seem to motivate and push me on, forward. the wide open space and the clear blue sky – they both share this borderless quality which is almost representative of myself in some ways. i dislike being restricted, for i am indeed a true aquarian at heart. but i want to be bound, only by certain people i approve of. i am a being of contradiction myself. i don’t think it’s easy for anyone who is really close to me to bear with my alien ways. to begin to describe myself is a daunting task. if i can’t even fully proclaim i understand myself, why should i expect others to understand me then?

i think at some point i should accept the fact that i’m only 21. for the 13 year old me, i would have thought that this is time i should have known what i want in life and how i should achieve it. i recall those questions i have before bedtime. indeed, the 13 year old me would be proud of the 21 year old me now. i don’t know if i could have done better, but for all i know, i have tried my best. but i am only 21 and i should revel in the beauty of youth and marvel at the wonder of life. i don’t want to be jaded and bogged down by the realities of day-to-day living. no, i am not choosing to avoid. put it simply, i am choosing to look at it in a different way. i still want to remain idealistic in my own ways. strangely, there is this part of me who wants to be understood- for what? i have no idea but there is also this very apparent part of myself which i am aware of – how can i be understood when i can’t begin to describe? probably in the many years to come, when my hair is greying i wouldn’t remember what this whole fuss is about. so i shall be more precise with my words. i’m sorry i can’t help it. it’s so vague – to the point that anyone else except me who reads this would be thrown into a whirlpool of nothing but words which conjure to mean something so general.

point is, i am acknowledging the fact that i’m very young (which i did not realise until these few days) and it is normal for me to not be sure of the kind of life i want to live. well, there is a sacrifice to every choice being made. and i can’t afford to sacrifice some. for whatever reason, i found someone – who touches my heart in a very unexpected way, so much so that it gave me courage to step forward. my frail heart is still afraid of rejections and betrayals. of course. even the toughest of heart would not be immune to that. put it simply, i am afraid to be hurt. i am afraid to feel. i used to be much more afraid, now i still am but the feeling only flashes by once in a while. i’ve not been in any terrible relationships prior to my present, but i just have always been very private and personal. partly, because i have certain expectations of my partner which i deemed impossible to be fulfilled. see, just how contradicting i am? i set the expectations, but i am also the one who cross it all out just because of my own flawed judgement.

i’ve heard it all too often – no one is perfect and life is unpredictable. but i am only beginning to really sink into these recently. i know it’s true but up till recently, i have not fully felt the truth in it. it resonates within me now. the present, is a gift and it should be treasured because the future is uncertain, the past has gone and this is the only thing i have, which i am certain of. so i choose to accept. that perfection doesn’t exist. that we don’t need to understand to love. that to love is to sacrifice and that to be unsure is okay.

 

Beating Heart. Blinking Cursor.

i have no point to make.

i’m doing this in a stream of consciousness kind of way.┬áthere are so many types of people in this world. i realize it is a very obvious fact which i should have been aware of from much earlier on.

but, as long as it took, it finally hit me that the world is really, indeed populated by very different individuals. and sometimes, in a rare moment of silence, our differences really amaze me.

wouldn’t the world be a much better, easier place if all of us behaved the same way?

le sigh…i know good things don’t come easy, but why must beautiful things be difficult?

so that beauty is then, more highly cherished?

my heart beats like the cursor that blinks. in continuity, there is security.

you know the cursor will continue blinking, even if it’s gone for that one split of a second.

but life doesn’t happen that way. it is unpredictable at the very least.

so, in all given fairness, how would you be able to know that this…is the best, that this is right? well, i don’t know. we won’t either. but what is wrong with wrong? i think society has conditioned us to an extent that we fear being wrong, making the wrong choices…

but for the first time, i shall proclaim, there is no right or wrong, no mistakes, should haves or regrets. at the very least, life isn’t meant to be spent that way. every second passed is a second closer to the bed of eternity, so don’t sweat the small stuff.

make Life worth it, for it can only be as much as you make out if it.

it’s up to you. You.

The Dragon Is Here

so, at present it’s the year of 2012.

the year that the dragon will unleash its fury?

well, we all don’t know. only god knows. i don’t want to know either. i shall let this lunar year mark the first of 2012 and remind myself to be more patient, tolerant, understanding and less sensitive. perhaps, the best hypothesis of the year would be the lesser the expectations, the lesser the disappointments, that being said the control variable should remain a secret. haha!

my nails are freshly painted, but what else is fresh?

i was just thinking, and yes i know over thinking causes problems that don’t exist in the first place. so…i was just thinking about how everyone is busy ushering in the first day of the lunar calendar. they deck out in brand new clothing, don on their best apparels and put on the brightest smiles. surely, you must have done that? somehow, there’s a certain monotony to this whole occasion, which must be the reason why they call it tradition.

i am not sure why exactly, but i am not feeling the atmosphere. yet.

i guess i shouldn’t be blaming the occasion. it’s more of that monthly timing,

perhaps?

if only i could be a switch, turn on and turn off in just a few seconds. i don’t know…i just feel far…far…away, from this realm of existence. i guess everyone just wants to feel needed, feel special.

Happy Dragon Year everyone and may the new year shower you with opportunities and blessings in any way they should appear!

Long Overdue

a sudden impulse to write led me here.

sometimes, it feels like an itch lying around somewhere but not knowing exactly where it is.

so, here i am after itching for thus long, sitting cross-legged facing this 14″ wide-screen laptop typing albeit quite slowly. why did it take me this long? what’s with the hiatus for 5 months?

looking at my posts; wrote a few in january and then june and now it’s november?!

so, let’s see…so many things have happened. in so ┬ámany different and unexpected ways. in all seriousness, although i find myself repeating this very too often in my mind, things really have taken a spin in the opposite direction.

i thought i was going to go abroad for studies. well, guess what? i’m very much grounded and pursuing my degree locally.

i thought of working part-time at an office doing administrative work. but, guess what? i ended up working with lovely kids at a kindergarten!

i thought i was going to read medicine/psychology at some point and guess what? daaaang…i’m in banking & finance now :)

“I guess God has better plans for me.” that’s what people always say when they meet with drastic changes.

lastly, i thought i was going to enter uni and enjoy campus life as well as meet ‘someone’. but, guess what, no surprise…i met someone way before entering uni. well, not way before i should say just before!

it’s a wonder how things turned out. and a beautiful one at that. right now, life is great.

i am happy as can be and i can’t ask for more. but, as they always say; the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement. so holding on to that phrase, i will march forward with great optimism, a dash of realism and always with idealism. fingers crossed. will talk more in the coming posts :) see you soon guys! thanks for reading, i’m off to bed now!