Perhaps? I Really Don’t Know

i feel so small, so misunderstood.

like a blotch of splattered ink that is supposed to be an artwork but deemed as a mistake by the world. perhaps, by my own standards. today, i finally did it. i clicked ‘submit’ and to be honest at that instant, there wasn’t a slight feeling of gratification. i think in fact, i was numbed with palpitations. it was 12.58 pm literally 2 minutes before the submission deadline according to eastern standard time. perhaps, it is meant to be like this. the last surge always works for me. but i don’t think anyone can fully understand how it feels like unless they were in a similar position to feel like everything is crumbling an hour before the entire thing is due. i was this close to giving up and not going in for the earlier deadline. yes, it was a risk and one that i am willing to take. frankly, i don’t care and can’t care what will be the yield because i have given it my all and i am happy with myself the way it is. i couldn’t have done it other wise. perhaps, that “blurry, poetic, OTT and flamboyant” voice is what makes me, me. i don’t know, i really don’t know.

i just want to jot this down so i’ll never forget how i felt today in the years to come. on the first day of december, i forgot to eat because i did not feel hungry. on the first day of december, i realize i am who i am.

maybe my statement is ‘there is no one point, no one definite statement’

it’s just my inner thoughts. yeah, they may be scattered but oh! i swear i tried. i really did.

if i were to send it in later, could i have done it better by sending it to kind souls to be proofread? it is such an irony that the final one isn’t the one that has been proofread. perhaps, it would have been a more solid piece. but then again, we just never know. it would have diluted my voice as well, don’t you think? i don’t know.

i may sound like some idiotic overly stressed teenager repeatedly saying ‘i don’t know’ but i know this:

i won’t give up. i won’t lose hope.

i cannot. i must not. i shall not.

and this is the end of my personal essay. have i ever thought that it would be something similar to this? no, not at all. never crossed my mind. but how could it not? something so real, so close, so true! travel and water makes a beautiful journey. even if i’m the only speck of dust that sees it that way, i am ready to defend my sentiments in it. not perfect at all, far from perfect.

BUT, it is me.



1 Response to “Perhaps? I Really Don’t Know”

  1. 1 glycosidic December 5, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    hugs :)

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Miss Fiona

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December 2010
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