Only 21

for some time, i’ve abandoned this place of mine. almost as if i’m unaware of it’s existence, which really is reflective of how seldom i relflect these days. i am reflective by nature, very much a personal tendency. i used to do this way more often in the past but i guess being in a relationship, the focus is shifted away from myself. there are other things to consider and think about besides myself. and it’s not such a bad thing after all. but after some time, i sense this need, this certain emptiness lurking around the corner, waiting to be filled again. a certain patch of dryness, aching to be watered with feelings and thoughts. it seems to me, i cannot be without thoughts, that’d make me an empty slate. and which means it makes me less of a human.

today is the day i am free of everything. a day with no to-dos on my list and a day where i can sit and drift off at my own pace. i need this. oh, how i’ve missed my time – being alone and having the luxury to clear my mind and travel off to wherever i want. this time, i am on board, feeling the strong breeze against my skin, so strong it hurts a little. but at the very same time, it awakens my senses. it awakens my inner self and my one, true desire – to be happy. the sea is gentle and never repressing. it swallows everything i vomit out. it engulfs my fears and the recurring waves seem to motivate and push me on, forward. the wide open space and the clear blue sky – they both share this borderless quality which is almost representative of myself in some ways. i dislike being restricted, for i am indeed a true aquarian at heart. but i want to be bound, only by certain people i approve of. i am a being of contradiction myself. i don’t think it’s easy for anyone who is really close to me to bear with my alien ways. to begin to describe myself is a daunting task. if i can’t even fully proclaim i understand myself, why should i expect others to understand me then?

i think at some point i should accept the fact that i’m only 21. for the 13 year old me, i would have thought that this is time i should have known what i want in life and how i should achieve it. i recall those questions i have before bedtime. indeed, the 13 year old me would be proud of the 21 year old me now. i don’t know if i could have done better, but for all i know, i have tried my best. but i am only 21 and i should revel in the beauty of youth and marvel at the wonder of life. i don’t want to be jaded and bogged down by the realities of day-to-day living. no, i am not choosing to avoid. put it simply, i am choosing to look at it in a different way. i still want to remain idealistic in my own ways. strangely, there is this part of me who wants to be understood- for what? i have no idea but there is also this very apparent part of myself which i am aware of – how can i be understood when i can’t begin to describe? probably in the many years to come, when my hair is greying i wouldn’t remember what this whole fuss is about. so i shall be more precise with my words. i’m sorry i can’t help it. it’s so vague – to the point that anyone else except me who reads this would be thrown into a whirlpool of nothing but words which conjure to mean something so general.

point is, i am acknowledging the fact that i’m very young (which i did not realise until these few days) and it is normal for me to not be sure of the kind of life i want to live. well, there is a sacrifice to every choice being made. and i can’t afford to sacrifice some. for whatever reason, i found someone – who touches my heart in a very unexpected way, so much so that it gave me courage to step forward. my frail heart is still afraid of rejections and betrayals. of course. even the toughest of heart would not be immune to that. put it simply, i am afraid to be hurt. i am afraid to feel. i used to be much more afraid, now i still am but the feeling only flashes by once in a while. i’ve not been in any terrible relationships prior to my present, but i just have always been very private and personal. partly, because i have certain expectations of my partner which i deemed impossible to be fulfilled. see, just how contradicting i am? i set the expectations, but i am also the one who cross it all out just because of my own flawed judgement.

i’ve heard it all too often – no one is perfect and life is unpredictable. but i am only beginning to really sink into these recently. i know it’s true but up till recently, i have not fully felt the truth in it. it resonates within me now. the present, is a gift and it should be treasured because the future is uncertain, the past has gone and this is the only thing i have, which i am certain of. so i choose to accept. that perfection doesn’t exist. that we don’t need to understand to love. that to love is to sacrifice and that to be unsure is okay.



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Miss Fiona

June 2012
« Mar   Jul »


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